Todd Packer

Todd Packer
Todd Packer visits the office, leading to offensive behavior, pranks on Jim, and a surprising turn of events that affects his relationship with Michael.

Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.

Kevin: You're eating eight year old tomatoes?

Dwight: They're still good for another week.

Meredith: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like.

Kevin: I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes.

Dwight: Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?

Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.

Dwight: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.

Jim: Three months.

Dwight: Could be.

Jim: Four months.

Dwight: I can see that happening, yes.

Jim: Eight months?

Dwight: That's a realistic time line.

Jim: Eleven months.

Dwight: Perhaps.

Jim: Okay now really think hard about this one: One year.

Dwight: I can see that as a very real possibility.

Jim: Four hundred and ninety-four months?

Dwight: I can see that happening.

Jim: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just...

Todd Packer: I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.

Michael: Still not seeing the problem here.

Todd Packer: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over!

Michael: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.

Holly: Hi!

Michael: Hi.

Holly: You must be Todd.

Todd Packer: Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!

Holly: Very funny. Okay let's get started.

Todd Packer: After you!

Michael: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.

Michael: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots.

Holly: All right.

Michael: And it also helps if you've had five shots.

Holly: I already have.

Michael: Whoa!

Jim: Why is Packer back?

Michael: Is Packer here?

Dwight: Why's he talking to Holly?

Michael: Don't know, don't care.

Holly: Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.

Todd Packer: Oh!

Michael: Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.

Kevin: Yes!

Jim: What!?

Todd Packer: It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!

Kevin: Nice! We got burned!

Michael: You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.

Dwight: Holly, you approved this?

Holly: Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.

Jim: You did approve it?

Holly: Yeah.

Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means.

Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.

Erin: Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower.

Gabe: I'm such a klutz!

Erin: Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?!

Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! Right?

Erin: Thank you Pam.

Pam: Awwh, you're welcome. My pleasure.

Jim: Can I do something for ya?

Pam: I just helped someone out. It feels good.

Jim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so...

Pam: So you know the feeling.

Michael: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.

Dwight: I didn't order anything.

Michael: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die.

Dwight: Well there's a lot of seats in the annex.

Michael: So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here.

Todd Packer: Thanks man, it'd mean a lot.

Dwight: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.

Todd Packer: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk.

Dwight: No it is not.

Todd Packer: Is too!

Michael: Let's look at this.

Todd Packer: Check it out!

Dwight: I don't wanna move desks!

Michael: Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.

Jim: Do I have any say in this?!

Michael: No!

Todd Packer: Don't even watch, Halpert!

Dwight: Hey, who's dirt box is this?

Holly: Oh, that's our Zen garden.

Dwight: What do you grow in here, bullcrap?

Pam: Hey, um...

Holly: Hey, what's up guys?

Meredith: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!

Jim: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?

Holly: Uhm.

Pam: He's seriously awful!

Holly: Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me!

Meredith: That's how he gets you to take off his panties.

Jim: Why are you nodding?

Pam: United front...

Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.

Ryan: Right this isn't the U.S. Government.

Kelly: What are you referencing?

Ryan: Everything... Everything.

Holly: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done?

Jim: Well, I mean he humped Michael.

Holly: Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too.

Andy: Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. This computer's a hunk of jjunk.

Erin: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here!

Andy: Where did you get this?!

Erin: Pam gave it to me!

Andy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?

Pam: You have a computer Andy.

Andy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So...

Pam: Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.

Andy: Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...

Pam: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.

Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?

Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.

Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.

Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.

Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about.

Andy: What are you gonna play mange on faster?

Pam: Sorry Andy.

Todd Packer: Hey what's going on you guys? Yeahh! Three muska-queers!

Kevin: Mean but good!

Holly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.

Todd Packer: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom.

Holly: Well, some girls go through a phase.

Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!

Todd Packer: Since when did you learn how to read?

Kevin: I do know how to read though!

Todd Packer: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!

Kevin: He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.

Dwight: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.

Pam: What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!

Andy: It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.

Pam: What? Erin is that true?

Erin: I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.

Pam: Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away.

Andy: Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-

Pam: I'm not freaking out, Andy.

Andy: -take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Is this worth freaking out about?

Pam: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?

Andy: That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.

Pam: Switch the computers back Andy.

Andy: Seriously?

Pam: Seriously.

Andy: Pam! Come on!

Pam: Now please.

Andy: Fine! Please make sure no one is humping me!

Erin: Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. Thanks.

Michael: Best day ever. Best day ever!

Holly: So much happening.

Michael: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?

Holly: No! No.

Michael: Please.

Holly: Did Todd tell you to do that?

Michael: Yeah, You love him right? You love him. I can tell.

Holly: I love you.

Michael: No. Not me, him.

Holly: That's certainly opinionated.

Erin: If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.

Holly: Oh I'm going.

Michael: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...

Holly: I don't think he's funnier than me.

Michael: He's funnier than me.

Holly: No, he's not funny at all.

Michael: So I'm less funny than not funny at all?

Erin: Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!

Holly: No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.

Michael: Uhm...

Holly: Ok: Bill Cosby, Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here Todd Packer.

Michael: That's insane!

Holly: Honey, he's a jerk.

Erin: For Pete's sake it just needs to be done!

Todd Packer: So you two are married to each other now, right?

Jim: Yeah.

Todd Packer: That's sweet. How's the sex?

Dwight: Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.

Todd Packer: Why?

Dwight: 'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.

Jim: That's a lot of reasons!

Dwight: Drink it!

Todd Packer: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox.

Jim: Can I talk to you a second?

Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.

Dwight: None of your business.

Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him.

Dwight: It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.

Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.

Dwight: Really.

Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy.

Dwight: I know.

Jim: Here we go.

Dwight: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.

Jim: You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them.

Dwight: Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Jim: Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.

Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.

Dwight: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?

Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.

Dwight: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.

Andy: Pam. Can I talk to you in private?

Pam: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.

Andy: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.

Pam: You did that?

Andy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late.

Pam: Okay. When did people sign-

Andy: Mind if I close the door? What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.

Pam: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?

Andy: You humiliated me in front of every body!

Pam: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks.

Andy: I mean, it's pretty broken already.

Pam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.

Andy: Pretty sneaky sis.

Ryan: Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve.

Dwight: There are over four hundred of these!

Jim: Yeah I couldn't cut it down.

Dwight: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-

Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?

Dwight: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.

Andy: Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. Why are you doing this to me Andy? Because I hate your programs!

Todd Packer: And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that.

Michael: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter.

Todd Packer: Why?

Michael: I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.

Todd Packer: Holly said that?

Michael: Yeah.

Holly: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!

Michael: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?

Todd Packer: She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer.

Michael: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.

Todd Packer: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.

Michael: No it isn't.

Todd Packer: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior.

Michael: Yeah, a little bit.

Todd Packer: Don't give up on me.

Michael: I won't.

Michael: Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.

Kevin: I got a lot of numbers here to put together.

Michael: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.

Kevin: That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it.

Michael: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.

Todd Packer: I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.

Kevin: Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.

Michael: Kevin, do you accept the apology?

Kelly: Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.

Michael: Okay, go back to the annex.

Kelly: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin.

Ryan: Sometimes you over react.

Oscar: Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.

Todd Packer: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius.

Michael: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-

Angela: No! Don't!

Michael: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!

Pam: So listen, we have to really scuff this up.

Andy: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry.

Pam: Andy, this is the deal we made.

Andy: That's probably good. That's enough.

Pam: We should break this hinge maybe.

Andy: Let's not go crazy.

Todd Packer: Well thanks, will do.

Jim: Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool.

Todd Packer: That sounds weird.

Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!

Dwight: And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.

Jim: Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!

Dwight: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!

Todd Packer: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd.

Dwight: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!

Michael: What are you doing?

Jim: All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now!

Michael: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?

Jim: He's a jerk.

Dwight: He took my desk.

Michael: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?

Dwight: It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.

Michael: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.

Dwight: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.

Michael: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.

Jim: Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about?

Andy: Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?

Pam: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!

Andy: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?

Pam: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse.

Andy: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer.

Todd Packer: You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the "ass", in Tallahassee!

Michael: Yes, about that.

Todd Packer: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!

Michael: Well... I don't know if that's a good idea.

Todd Packer: Do you have a ball and chain?

Michael: No, nothing like that at all.

Todd Packer: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight.

Michael: Sorry?

Todd Packer: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local talent.

Michael: Sounds great.

Todd Packer: It's gonna be so good.

Michael: That is. It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.

Holly: I'm sorry about your friend.

Michael: Nah, he's an ass.

Holly: You ahh.

Michael: You ahh.

Holly: What ah you wicked smaht?

Michael: No you ahh.

Holly: Who ahh?

Michael: You ahh.

Darryl: So this new computer you found in the warehouse.

Pam: Yep. Lucked out.

Darryl: Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse.

Pam: Yep, super lucky.

Darryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.

Pam: Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there.

Darryl: Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five.

Pam: Three.

Pam: I'm full on corrupt!