Mafia

Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.

Toby: Well the "fun" is in it.

Michael: Get out.

Toby: Yeah, I know.

Michael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk?

Andy: Golf.

Michael: Mmhm.

Andy: Stock market.

Michael: Mmhm.

Andy: Dave Matthews.

Michael: Yes, what else?

Creed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...

Michael: No.

Meredith: The weekend!

Michael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?"

Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.

Michael: All right...

Meredith: He calls it an upper decker.

Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.

Ryan: Then do it.

Michael: What?

Ryan: Write a book.

Michael: The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...

Erin: Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.

Michael: Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?

Erin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that.

Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.

Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play."

Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.

Grotti: Ah.

Michael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.

Grotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.

Michael: Mmhm.

Grotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility

Michael: Yep.

Grotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.

Michael: Okay.

Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.

Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

Andy: What do you think?

Dwight: I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.

Grotti: God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.

Michael: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.

Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.

Michael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.

Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.

Michael: Okay, well.

Grotti: I can be very very persistent.

Michael: Do your worst.

Michael: Oh, great.

Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?

Michael: Mmhm.

Andy: What happened in there?

Michael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.

Dwight: Did he threaten you?

Michael: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.

Andy: Mobsters are!

Michael: There is no such things as monsters.

Andy: He drives an SUV!

Dwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.

Oscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?

Dwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.

Michael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.

Andy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.

Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.

Michael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.

Andy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!

Dwight: Exactly.

Michael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.

Oscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here?

Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between "sane and others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Toby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh.

Michael: Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?

Ryan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'

Michael: Okay.

Ryan: What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?

Michael: Um it is, Grotti.

Andy and Dwight: Oh no. Fabulous.

Oscar: What? What?

Andy: It's John Gotti, you idiot!

Oscar: It's, it's a completely different name!

Phyllis: So he won't get caught!

Andy: Yeah. It's pretty close.

Oscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.

Dwight: No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck."

Michael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.

Dwight: Lock your door!

Michael: I'm not gonna lock my door.

Jim: Hello?

Oscar: Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.

Jim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on?

Oscar: It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.

Jim: Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-

Pam: Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.

Oscar: Pam, I'm sorry--

Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.

Oscar: You're right. You're right. Oh, okay bye.

Michael: It's Grotti. He's following up.

Andy: Already? This, this guy is persistent!

Michael: "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business."

Dwight: That's bad.

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: That's bad.

Michael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?

Andy: Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.

Michael: Okay, I'm calling the police.

Andy: That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!

Dwight: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.

Michael: All right.

Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!

Michael: Shh!

Dwight: You know what?

Michael: That's not gonna happen.

Dwight: That's an exaggeration.

Andy: That's how it works!

Michael: What am I supposed to do here?

Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back

Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Dwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.

Andy: Dwight...

Dwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.

Michael: I don't know, I don't know about that.

Andy: Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.

Dwight: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.

Andy: Okay.

Dwight: Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.

Andy: I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.

Michael: Hold on, hold on! Just-

Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.

Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.

Andy: Well you're gonna have to. Dwight: We'll be right beside you.

Andy: What?

Michael: What are you wearing? Who's Pat?

Andy: Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.

Dwight: Do you know how to use it?

Andy: To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.

Michael: Let's go, come on. God!

Andy: Should I change?

Dwight: You're wearing loafers!

Michael: Forget it! Forget it!

Michael: Take that thing off the table! Please!

Andy: Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.

Dwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.

Andy: Oh! God!

Michael: Oh my God!

Dwight: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-

Michael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.

Michael: Hello.

Grotti: Mr. Scott.

Michael: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.

Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti.

Andy: Hi.

Dwight: Hello.

Grotti: So, you got this table?

Michael: Yes.

Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.

Michael: Well.

Grotti: Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.

Waitress: That's fine.

Michael: Okay.

Kevin: Hello.

Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.

Kevin: Oh man, do you think it was stolen?

Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address?

Kevin: Um, yes. Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA

Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?

Kevin: Six-six-five-zero.

Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.

Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes I am.

Rep: I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.

Kevin: No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.

Rep: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.

Kevin: No-

Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you!

Kevin: Shoot.

Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.

Dwight: Oh he's not that nice.

Michael: That's not true.

Andy: Hmm. Very true.

Michael: Okay shut up.

Waitress: Have you decided?

Grotti: Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.

Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir?

Michael: I will have the gabba-gool.

Waitress: The... what?

Michael: The gabba-gool.

Waitress: I don't really know what that is.

Andy: You know, gabba-gool.

Michael: I don't, I don't have to have that.

Dwight: What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.

Michael: Guys, guys-

Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.

Michael: That's okay.

Dwight: Bring him the gabba-gool!

Michael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.

Waitress: Okay.

Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back.

Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?

Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.

Oscar: This constitutes identity fraud.

Kevin: Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.

Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?

Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.

Oscar: Why would I love jail?

Kevin: Because... You would love it.

Michael: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.

Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.

Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you?

Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and Think about it.

Woman: Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?

Andy: Yeeeeah.

Woman: My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?

Andy: Yes I can.

Michael: No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.

Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!

Andy: Okay!

Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Michael: Hey, do you need any help?

Grotti: I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.

Michael: He's a good mechanic.

Grotti: Where were we?

Michael: I don't...

Dwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.

Michael: Okay, okay okay.

Dwight: So we're choosing...

Michael: Yep, all right.

Dwight: Check out Dental?

Michael: Put it down.

Andy: Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.

Kid: He seems bad at this.

Andy: You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.

Woman: What?!?

Andy: So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.

Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. You okay, Pat?

Andy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.

Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?

Andy: It was before, my tech- my technical training.

Dwight: Don't do it!

Andy: Do it.

Dwight: Don't.

Andy: Just do it.

Michael: Okay.

Grotti: Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?

Dwight: Yes.

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?

Michael: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.

Andy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.

Michael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight.

Dwight: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.

Michael: It was a lot of snap decisions.

Dwight: Do you know what "snap decision" means?

Michael: Yes!

Dwight: It means like this.

Michael: Just get in the car.

Jim: Hello?

Michael: Jim?

Jim: Michael?

Michael: Oh thank God.

Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.

Michael: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.

Jim: That sounds bad.

Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.

Jim: I'm gonna help you through it all right?

Michael: Okay!

Jim: All you're gonna need to and- it- and then go to--

Michael: Jim? Are you?

Jim: And then you'll be saved.

Michael: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.

Jim: Just and then you'll be saved.

Michael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!

Jim: A- ah--

Michael: No! Oh my God!

Jim: And you'll be saved.

Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!

Jim: I at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.

Michael: Jim?!? Oh my God.

Michael: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?

Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.

Michael: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?

Oscar: Just- no. No.

Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.

Dwight: We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.

Andy: He's alive. So you're welcome.

Dwight: Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.

Andy: Yeah, some of that existed before.

Dwight: Not the living in fear, that's new.

Andy: You're right, that is new.

Dwight: Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.

Andy: Well I don't see that happening.

Dwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?

Andy: Are you saying-

Dwight: Yeah...

Andy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?

Dwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!

Andy: That seems a little far-fetched.

Dwight: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

Dwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.

Michael: No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.

Andy: No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.

Dwight: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.

Andy: Class act. Boy scout.

Michael: But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.

Andy: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.

Dwight: And he made us all look like chumps!

Michael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.

Grotti: This is Grotti.

Michael: This is Scott.

Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.

Michael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?

Grotti: I, I thought you'd be pleased.

Michael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.

Grotti: What?

Michael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.

Grotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you?

Michael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.

Andy: Whoa. Okay.

Michael: You suck!

Dwight: Okay that's-

Michael: And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.

Dwight: That's good, let's wrap it up.

Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?

Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?

Michael: Doubt it.

Dwight and Andy: Oh man.

Michael: What a tool. What?

Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!

Michael: No. What do you mean?

Dwight: We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.

Michael: What?

Dwight: You successfully backed down the mob!

Andy: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!

Michael: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.

Michael: So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that.

Dwight: Very close.

Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.

Michael: Erin?

Erin: Yes?

Michael: Coffee?

Erin: Okay.

Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.

Erin: Okay.

Michael: Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.

Erin: How do you return coffee?

Michael: Go. Any questions?

Pam: Are you kidding me?

Kevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there?

Pam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!

Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.

Pam: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.

Kevin: Cool. Okay. Bye.

Kevin: They have no idea what happened.