Andy: Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.
Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: Holiday wishes.
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.
Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.
Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!
Meredith: What is the status on my wish?
Andy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.
Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy: Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.
Erin: I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.
Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
Erin: That's OK, I don't want you to do that.
Robert California: Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati.
Kelly: Eww, what is that?
Robert California: The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.
Kevin: Hey, man.
Robert California: Hey! Oh!
Kevin: How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?
Robert California: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Robert California: It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
Andy: Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.
Robert California: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking.
Andy: Oh, thank you.
Andy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Dwight: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
Jim: It wasn't me.
Andy: It wasn't either of you.
Jim: Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy: Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense.
Jim: Ow, What are you doing?
Andy: Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Jim: Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.
Andy: Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.
Jim: What was that?
Dwight: What is it?
Andy: Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.
Jim: Can't do that.
Dwight: No, absolutely not.
Andy: You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.
Jessica: Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?
Erin: Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. I'm Erin.
Jessica: Oh! Oof!
Erin: Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here.
Andy: My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.
Andy: Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. Hi.
Andy: Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did.
Andy: Oh no.
Andy: Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.
Jessica: Spontaneous scoliosis.
Darryl: This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution.
Val: Thank you.
Darryl: Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.
Val: Isn't that just for popsicles?
Val: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?
Nate: Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. I, in my, I...
Darryl: Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
Nate: You had me at “clookies.” I can't wait to find out what they are.
Val: What should I wear?
Darryl: Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.
Nate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.
Jim: Ah... I'm gonna s-
Jim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink.
Robert California: Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert California: Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!
Ryan: Will do.
Robert California: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too.
Phyllis: One, two three!
Robert California: Mmm. Wow.
Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert California: Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Erin: Hit 'er up.
Robert California: Oh.
Kevin: Oh yes.
Jim: Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.
Jim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me.
Ryan: But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed... whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do...
Kevin: Good cookie.
Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Darryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val: Since when does a sweater mean “dressed up”? Am I your grandson?
Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.
Erin: I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. and then I want my nap!
Stanley: That's right.
Erin: Whoo! Thank you.
Robert California: She, she is remarkable.
Andy: Edgy impressions.
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin: A thousand.
Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin: Maybe you should mind your own business. Just kidding!
Dwight: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby: Oh my god.
Dwight: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.
Dwight: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim: Three times.
Dwight: You see?
Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.
Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?
Jim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.
Jim: Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight: Come down right away!
Jim: Uh, I don't know, let me ask. Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight: Yes, I was quilled.
Jim: And what's it's name?
Andy: What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.
Erin: Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? And you both have such beautiful hair.
Jessica: Thank you.
Erin: I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.
Erin: And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. Ah! OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say “get a drink”.
Jessica: That's uh, that's the girl you dated.
Andy: Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...
Jessica: No, she, she seems fine.
Andy: Yeah, uh, excuse me.
Andy: Yep. Hey!
Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin: Every martini has an olive.
Andy: OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.
Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, OK.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?
Kevin: So, there was talk of oatmeal.
Phyllis: You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess.
Val: Yeah. Thanks.
Andy: I swear...
Jessica: Did you not...
Andy: I was too embarrassed!
Jim: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?
Phyllis: Is that Cici?
Jim: Yes. It is.
Phyllis: That's awful.
Andy: Cici is Jim's daughter.
Jessica: Oh my god. How could somebody do that?
Jim: I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though.
Oscar: Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?
Jim: I don't-
Andy: I know who did this....Dwight.
Phyllis: He should pay.
Andy: Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Andy: It's, I mean.
Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it’s a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar: That's no accident.
Jim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Jim: I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry.
Dwight: Enough of this garbage. This is Christmas. Hi-yah!!!!! Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!
Jim: You alright, Santa?
Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.
Andy: No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.
Andy: By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.
Jim: Alright. I will definitely do that.
Andy: Alright, I'll tell Dwight.
Jim: You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.
Andy: Christmas miracles do happen.
Jim: Yes. They totally do.
Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly: Well help me, OK? Just, uh take...
Ryan: I'm trying but you need to-
Erin: Game on.
Kelly: On it.
Jessica: I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful...
Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart?
Kelly: And that, is how it's done.
Erin: I would like another alcohol.
Robert California: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?
Robert California: Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Robert California: And what?
Erin: And you have any advice or anything?
Robert California: No my god.
Erin: ...Help me feel better...
Robert California: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.
Nate: When you do your makeup,
Jessica: Uh huh.
Nate: How long you, does it take usually? Cause...
Jessica: Um, it ta-, um it depends.
Toby: …..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite.
Creed: Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.
Jessica: I'll see you at home?
Andy: OK great.
Jessica: Bye...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it.
Andy: I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.
Meredith: Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad.
Jessica: OK Bye.
Andy: OK, bye. Alright Meredith,
Meredith: Thank you Santa.
Andy: You bet.
Andy: Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,
Andy: Let's go, let's go.
Meredith: I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Andy: Hang on.
Meredith: Whoa! My stuff!
Andy: What is all that?
Meredith: It's my valuables!
Andy: It's junk!
Meredith: This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!
Andy: You're a hoarder. My god!
Meredith: No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful.
Andy: Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.
Dwight: What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?
Meredith: Where are we? This ain't my street.
Andy: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.
Meredith: Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?
Andy: Oh my god.
Meredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
Andy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.
Robert California: Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning.
Erin: Thank you, goodnight.
Meredith: What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Andy: I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.
Meredith: Ow! Take it easy.
Dwight: Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Dwight: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?
Jim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. I got nothin'.
Robert California: Where can I get a drink? Oh...
Andy: Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency.
Robert California: Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log.
Robert California: Not destroyed. No..... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. Erratic. Darkly erratic. That's my mood.
Meredith: Cake?...You seem a little down.
Robert California: I am. I'm a mess.
Meredith: How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?
Robert California: Oh, that sounds nice.
Meredith: Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket...
Robert California: Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place?
Meredith: The Murphy bed of my basement.
Robert California: What...is happening to me? The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the fire of hell. I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight.
Andy: It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Jim: Cathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy: Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight: Hey. Enjoy your new clump.
Dwight: It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?
Dwight: Uh huh.
Jim: Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for.
Kathy: No, I just have more room.
Jim: That's ok.
Dwight: You'll be fine over there.
Erin: Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk?
Jim: That'd be great, thank you.
Dwight: So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. Dammit Kathy!
Andy: For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them.
Andy: Oh, I see.
Andy: Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold....
Andy: Alright, you got it.
Andy: ...and an American Express green card.
Andy: Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.
Ryan: I'd be satisfied with eight.
Andy: Well I'll do you one better.
Andy: I got you health insurance.
Ryan: Oh, neat.
Andy: Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office.
Ryan: Oh, great.