The Target

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual.

Oscar: Good morning.

Angela: Oscar... can I ask you a question?

Oscar: Of course, ask me a que--  questions.

Angela: Is it cool in here to you?

Oscar: Yes, a little bit. Yes.

Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.

Oscar: It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs.

Angela: Thank you.

Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.

Oscar: She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

Dwight: Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.

Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today.

Meredith: Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.

Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?

Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call?

Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if.

Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.

Pam: Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead.

Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.

Pam: Tell them your opening line.

Jim: Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?

Pam: I think it’s good. He likes fishing.

Jim: This is gonna be awful.

Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power.

Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.

Angela: Ugh!

Dwight: Come on in, the water’s fine.

Angela: Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.

Dwight: I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes.

Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.

Dwight: Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband?

Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.

Dwight: All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?

Angela: Something like that.

Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.

Angela: Can you arrange a meeting?

Dwight: I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text.

Angela: Okay.

Dwight: Text went through.

Angela: Okay.

Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait.

Angela: Okay.

Dwight: Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem.

Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.

David Wallace: Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis -- the more I think about it --

Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone.

David Wallace: They did?

Jim: Yep.

David Wallace: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work.

Jim: Oh, great.

Stanley: Why should we help you?

Jim: Because we’re friends.

Stanley: When is my birthday?

Jim: Unfair. When’s my birthday?

Stanley: I don’t know, because we’re not friends.

Jim: How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?

Stanley: Now we’re talkin’.

Jim: All right.

Phyllis: Yeah.

Kevin: Make it go taller.

Pete: That’s the idea.

Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way.

Pete: Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.

Kevin: You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider... up!

Pete: Will do.

Darryl: What are y’all doing?

Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.

Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?

Kevin: Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer.

Pete: Kevin, I can hear you.

Kevin: Huh?

Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow!

Dwight: Get in the van.

Angela: God!

Trevor: Is it safe to talk?

Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good.

Angela: So what are your credentials?

Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it.

Angela: Do you have a gun?

Dwight: Does he own a gun? Show her.

Trevor: You tell me.

Angela: What is this?

Trevor: It’s the receipt for my gun.

Angela: You don’t carry it with you?

Trevor: Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.

Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him?

Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.

Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe?

Trevor: Oh, you tell me.

Dwight: Wow!

Pam: I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub.

Hide: You paint wall now?

Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...

Hide: You paint now.

Pam: It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.

Hide: I wait.

Meredith: Sweet.

Erin: Yay!

Darryl: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’

Meredith: Oh OOOH!

Meredith: Boom!

Darryl: Bang.

Kevin: Yep, yep, yep.

Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.

Creed: Let’s find out what I did.

Pete: All right.

Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.

Trevor: And that’s all off the books?

Angela: Obviously.

Trevor: Nice. No taxes.

Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.

Trevor: So what’s the job?

Angela: Murder.

Trevor: Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”

Dwight: You can’t have someone murdered.

Angela: What if they deserved it?

Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela?

Angela: They’re sleeping with my husband.

Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.

Trevor: This seems a little crazy.

Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.

Trevor: But I think I’m up for it.

Dwight: No! No!

Angela: Thank you.

Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--

Trevor: That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating.

Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.

Trevor: What about a knee-capping?

Dwight: No! You’re not helping, Trevor!

Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.

Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying?

Angela: You said you would be there for me.

Dwight: I’m trying, but what you’re asking is--

Angela: It’s the only thing that will make this right.

Dwight: Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn.

Trevor: All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back.

Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone.

Stanley: We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that.

Waiter: Morning, folks.

Stanley: I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.

Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--

Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.

Phyllis: How much wine do you have?

Oscar: I brought you a cookie.

Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel.

Oscar: I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we’re good. Yeah. We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.

Pete: There we go.

Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.

Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog.

Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play.

Pete: There you go.

Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing.

Kevin: Okay, I got this one.

Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful

Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.

Everyone: Oh no! Kevin!

Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say?

Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about --  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?

Kevin: Yeah.

Pete: There we go. All right, let’s do it.

Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there...

Phyllis: You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them.

Jim: Tell me about it.

Phyllis: Whose hands are these? Theyre not my hands. I don’t know.

Jim: All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just... We’ll go slow.

Phyllis: No. Jim...

Pete: All right. Check it out.

Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!

Kevin: Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling.

Erin: Whoo!

Pete: Can you hand me a card?

Erin: Um,. it’s empty.

Pete: What?

Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.

Everyone: No!!

Meredith: That’s cheating.

Pam: I could get us a complaint.

Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly.

Pam: No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try.

Nellie: Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...

Everyone: “Pam!”

Angela: What? Why did you call me out here?

Dwight: The target-- it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other.

Angela: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.

Angela: Fine! It’s Oscar. So what?

Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?

Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.

Dwight: I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.

Angela: Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now.

Dwight: What do you mean?

Angela: He’s here.

Dwight: No! No, no!

Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.

Oscar: What?

Dwight: Come -- come with me.

Oscar: What are you doing?

Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary.

Meredith: Yahtzee.

Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.

Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez.

Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.

Kevin: Wha-- wh--

Angela: You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room.

Kevin: Nice! Yeah.

Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.

Stanley: Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky.

Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s-- that’s decorative.

Phyllis: No, there’s wine in here.

Jim: Still decorative.

Stanley: Is it white wine?

Jim: No.

Phyllis: Can you help me?

Jim: Don’t-- don’t-- don’t pole people with knives.

Phyllis: ha ha!

Jim: Phyllis!  Wow.

Stanley: Ooh, bring it over.

Phyllis: Got it.

Dwight: There’s no time to explain. Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.

Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?

Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child?

Oscar: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dwight: Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us.

Dwight: Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us.

Trevor: Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I’m gonna do this.

Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe.

Trevor: I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No!

Oscar: I got it.

Dwight: Disarm!

Trevor: You don’t--

Dwight: Don’t move. And disarm now!

Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend.

Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge!

Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.

Creed: Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.

Pam: Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert.

Pete: Did she buy it?

Pam: Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think...

Nellie: Were they angry?

Pam: I-- I thought they were confused at least...

Nellie: Okay.

Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!

Kevin: Nice. Nice.

Creed: You did good. You did good.

Pete: See ya later, Heymont.

Dwight: No.

Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.

Oscar: What the hell, Dwight?

Dwight: See ya later, Trevor.

Oscar: you are incorrigible!

Dwight: I just saved your life. You’re welcome!

Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!

Angela: You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay.

Oscar: What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!

Angela: No. No.

Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.

Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.

Oscar: Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe.

Angela: God!

Oscar: Aah!

Angela: You were supposed to be my friend.

Oscar: I’m so sorry. Angela--

Dwight: Oscar.

Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...

Pete: For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother.

Nellie: Yes!

Pam: I did not know that.

Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.

Pam: I’m so sorry.

Meredith: Wow.

Pete: yeah. That’s-- that is terrible.

Kevin: You did it.

Erin: Yeah!

Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.

Dwight: You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid.

Angela: Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes!

Dwight: I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey.

Angela: I don’t like your friend Trevor.

Dwight: I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him.

Jim: Well, we’re here. Perfect.

Phyllis: We’re gonna cover for you, ya know.

Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or--

Stanley: I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.

Phyllis: Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.

Jim: This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all--

Stanley: Shuckin’ your peas.

Jim: Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me?

Stanley: Yeah.

Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.

Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. Thank you.

Pam: If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time.

Hide: You paint very bad--

Pam: Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that.

Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?

Toby: That is-- that is a loaded question.

Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.

Toby: He said that?

Angela: Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it.

Toby: I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that.

Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?

Toby: Oh... uh...

Angela: Is it called red-vining?

Dwight: Is it called red-vining?

Toby: I don’t...

Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining.

Angela: People red vine.

Dwight: Where are gay mens’ vaginas?

Toby: They don’t have vaginas.

Dwight: What?

Toby: No. They’re just regular men.

Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis?

Toby: Uh... wow....