Happy Hour

Dwight: Breathe. Work your core. Come on.

Michael: How many is that?

Dwight: Not counting the last one, 25.

Michael: Count the last one.

Dwight: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!

Michael: Oh, new record!

Dwight: Okay.

Michael: Oh, what did you do today?

Jim: I made a sale.

Michael: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.

Meredith: What do we get if we do 'em?

Michael: My respect. Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -

Dwight: And one girl push-up.

Michael: Gets to go home. Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. Disqualified!

Angela: Ow!

Michael: What do we got? Creed, disqualified.

Creed: Oh, come on!

Jim: 19. I had a really hard work out this morning.

Michael: Oh, wow, that is adorable!

Phyllis: Ten...

Michael: Yeah, I'm betting one more.

Phyllis: Eleven, wow!

Michael: Good.

Everyone: Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...

Michael: Alright, alright.

Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

Michael: Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.

Dwight: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!

Phyllis: One more, one more!

Oscar: You okay? You okay, Stanley?

Stanley: Excuse me.

Jim: Wow.

Oscar: Hey. Matt, right?

Matt: Hey, Oscar. You're here early.

Oscar: I always come in at 7.

Warehouse Guy: No, you don't.

Oscar: Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?

Matt: I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.

Oscar: Yeah.

Oscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. Just a couple of hours to kill before work.

Darryl: Hey, what's up?

Oscar: Hey, nice office.

Darryl: Thanks, it's cool. So...

Oscar: You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.

Darryl: Has that ever happened? Ever?

Oscar: Didn't we? I think we did.

Darryl: You want me to invite Matt?

Oscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.

Darryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.

Oscar: So happy hour.

Darryl: Happy hour. My pleasure.

Oscar: All right.

Oscar: So what do you think?

Phyllis: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob.

Phyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?

Andy: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.

Jim: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.

Andy: Oh, baloney.

Jim: Good one.

Andy: Ring her up.

Jim: Absolutely, I will do that right now.

Jim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much.

Jim: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-

Pam: Yes! Yes! I would love to!

Andy: Ha! Knew it!

Pam: It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!

Jim: I did not see this coming.

Andy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. Are you going later?

Erin: Sure, if you are.

Andy: Yes.

Erin: Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.

Andy: Whoa.

Andy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.

Erin: Exactly.

Andy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.

Erin: Quiet.

Andy: Hey, boss man.

Michael: Yes?

Andy: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?

Michael: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.

Andy: I'm sorry, I meant later.

Michael: Ok, yes. Sure.

Andy: For happy hour?

Michael: No, I got that.

Andy: Trying to get a head count.

Michael: I am in.

Andy: All right, yes! It's a deal.

Michael: It's a deal.

Pam: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.

Jim: Okay.

Pam: I want her to meet Michael.

Jim: Why?

Pam: They're both single, I have a sense they might-

Jim: You've been gone for a long time.

Pam: It is not that. Kevin! Oh!

Kevin: Yeah!

Pam: Hey, how are you?

Kevin: Oh, I missed you so much.

Pam: Aw!

Kevin: Yeah!

Pam: Yeah!

Kevin: Waaah!

Kevin: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.

Michael: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God!

Jim: Easy.

Michael: It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...

Jim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.

Michael: Sucks to be you.

Jim: Would you like to be our fourth?

Michael: That would be sublime.

Jim: All right.

Darryl: So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.

Pam: Hey, Michael.

Michael: Yes.

Pam: This is my friend Julie.

Michael: Hello, how are you?

Julie: Good. Hi.

Michael: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for?

Pam: Julie laughs at everything.

Julie: So you work with Pam and Jim?

Michael: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.

Julie: I should hope not.

Michael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.

Isabel: Hey.

Pam: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.

Isabel: Of course.

Pam: You want to play pool?

Isabel: Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.

Pam: Ok.

Angela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-

Dwight: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.

Isabel: Mm-hmm.

Dwight: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?

Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.

Dwight: Ooh, I love repartee.

Isabel: Do you?

Dwight: Usually means there's a battle scene coming.

Michael: So, what do you do?

Julie: I am an ESL teacher.

Michael: Really?

Julie: Yeah.

Michael: See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?

Julie: Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'

Michael: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.

Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.

Jim: So what do you think?

Michael: About what?

Jim: About Julie?

Michael: She's nice.

Jim: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah.

Jim: So you like her?

Michael: Uh, yeah, sure.

Jim: So Pam was right?

Michael: About what?

Jim: About you two hitting it off.

Michael: Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything.

Hide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.

Oscar: I know.

Pam: Hey, Michael, where have you been?

Jim: Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?

Pam: Why are you wearing a hat now?

Michael: Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.

Michael: Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Jim: You want to just make a run for it?

Pam: Maybe.

Kevin: Waaaah! Waaaaah! Mommy!

Jim: What is happening?

Andy: Whoa! What is crackin?

Ryan: Guys, one second.

Kelly: We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk.

Erin: What's this game?

Ryan: One second.

Andy: Yeah, how do you play?

Ryan: Guys, guys, guys, please. Ok, all right, it's all yours now.

Kelly: Only three tickets.

Ryan: If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.

Kelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.

Ryan: I know, but you wanted the big thing.

Andy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?

Erin: Oh I know.

Andy: They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'

Erin: 'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'

Andy: 'Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.

Erin: Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart.

Andy: No drama. Ok.

Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.

Dwight: Any brothers or sisters?

Isabel: Three brothers.

Dwight: Really?

Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.

Dwight: Vegetarian?

Isabel: No. I love meat.

Dwight: What's your blood type?

Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor.

Dwight: Universal donor.

Dwight: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.

Michael: Hey, guys, guys, guys. Watch this. Ready?

Julie: What are you doing?

Michael: I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.

Jim: Michael, you don't have to do this.

Michael: Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.

Michael: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

Phyllis: Hey, you two having fun?

Andy: Did you tell them?

Erin: No.

Andy: This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!

Erin: I get it.

Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?

Dwight: Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.

Isabel: Whack!

Dwight: Extend the fingers more.

Isabel: Whack!

Dwight: Good.

Angela: This looks like a hoot.

Dwight: Hey, monkey, how you doing?

Angela: Whack.

Dwight: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?

Angela: Okay.

Dwight: Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.

Angela: It's no worry.

Dwight: It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.

Angela: I could see enjoying that.

Dwight: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.

Angela: But we signed the contract.

Dwight: Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.

Angela: We both-you didn't dup-

Jim: Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.

Pam: Maybe it should come from a man.

Jim: Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.

Bar Manager: Hello.

Michael: Hello.

Bar Manager: Hi.

Michael: Hi.

Bar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?

Michael: Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Pam: Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down.

Michael: Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.

Bar Manager: Ted, are we having fun?

Michael: Really? You told on me. That's lame.

Bouncer: We got a problem?

Michael: Yes. Homelessness. What?

Bar Manager: All right, go.

Michael: Where?

Bar Manager: Get out. Now.

Michael: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry.

Pam: Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot.

Michael: She can't talk to us that way.

Pam: You guys are stripes, I think...

Michael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?

Jim: It stopped.

Michael: Well, I am starting it again!

Pam: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.

Michael: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.

Bar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.

Michael: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.

Bar Manager: Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.

Michael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.

Bar Manager: Is that how you do it?

Michael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.

Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written?

Michael: I've written all of it... in my head.

Bar Manager: Oh.

Michael: If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.

Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.

Michael: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.

Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.

Michael: I own a Chrysler.

Bar Manager: Shut up.

Michael: No, you shut up.

Bar Manager: What's your drink?

Michael: Grenadine.

Bar Manager: What?

Andy: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.

Erin: Okay.

Andy: Hi.

Girl at table: Hi.

Andy: I don't normally do this, but...

Girl at table: Do what?

Andy: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.

Erin: Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?

Andy: What are you doing?

Erin: What we said to do.

Andy: We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!

Erin: I was flirting with a man.

Andy: Get in here. Where did you learn to talk like that?

Erin: The movies. I don't know.

Andy: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?

Michael: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.

Bar Manager: You have a card?

Michael: I did. I actually put it in your bowl.

Bar Manager: Stanley Hudson?

Michael: No, no.

Bar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here.

Michael: No, it's Michael Scott.

Bar Manager: Michael Scott?

Michael: He is I.

Bar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch.

Michael: Oh, hey guys.

Julie: I think I'm gonna go.

Pam: Really?

Julie: Yeah.

Pam: I'm sorry, he's not usually like that.

Julie: What's he usually like?

Pam: He's more, just... like... you can go.

Julie: Yeah.

Jim: All right.

Pam: Okay. Bye.

Jim: See ya. Nice girl.

Pam: Yeah.

Michael: Hey, Julie! You having fun?

Bar Manager: So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.

Darryl: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?

Oscar: I couldn't understand a word he said.

Darryl: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.

Oscar: Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.

Matt: Hey, what's up?

Oscar: There he is! Hey, hey, hey.

Matt: Anyone up for some hoops?

Oscar: Sure. Hoops!

Matt: Let's do it.

Oscar: Hoop it up, right.

Andy: This is not what I want my relationship to look like.

Andy: Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.

Andy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.

Erin: You love drama.

Andy: I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

Dwight: With this move, he can't get you.

Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.

Dwight: Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!

Angela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.

Dwight: Sh-what?

Angela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.

Dwight: No, no, no. Blah blah blah blah!

Angela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.

Isabel: What are you talking about?

Dwight: What are you-

Angela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.

Dwight: Angela...

Angela: Did he not tell you that?

Dwight: You're really putting me in an awkward position here.

Angela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?

Dwight: Angela, not here!

Angela: Dwight?

Isabel: Whack!

Angela: You'll see me in small claims court!

Dwight: You are an impressive specimen.

Isabel: Thank you.

Kelly: Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill.

Pam: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.

Jim: You all right?

Pam: Okay, we have to get home.

Kevin: Yeah!

Michael: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.

Jim: Actually, you didn't.

Pam: Not at all.

Michael: I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.

Darryl: Tell 'em your story, Hide.

Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!