Michael's Birthday

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.

Oscar: Who is this guy again?

Michael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.

Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?

Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.

Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.

Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?

Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. Alright.

Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?

Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... ... I have to go make a call.

Pam: Happy birthday Michael.

Michael: Oh ho ho! What?

Pam: I said happy birthday.

Michael: Thank you! That's really nice.

Michael: ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.

Michael: What's up?

Jim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.

Michael: Ah, thank you sir.

Meredith: Did you hear anything yet?

Kevin: No. I'm still waiting.

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!

Michael: Ohh, god.

Dwight: Birthday hug!

Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please.

Dwight: That suit is amazing.

Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. Actually--- no, Bulgaria.

Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.

Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.

Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?

Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.

Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...

Michael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.

Dwight: Let's get the party started.

Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!

Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?

Pam: One's good.

Angela: One thirty. I'm sorry, are we boring you?

Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.

Phyllis: Where do we get those?

Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.

Pam: Michael wants a strippergram?

Dwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.

Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting.

Michael: Yeah?

Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line.

Michael: Oh, great, put her through.

Jan: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hey, you.

Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.

Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.

Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so...

Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.

Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael.

Michael: Thanks.

Jan: Am I on camera?

Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.

Michael: ...You can take a five, if you want.

Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!

Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.

Michael: Thanks.

Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?

Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.

Jim: Oh, okay.

Kelly: Second opinion on what?

Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.

Kelly: had skin cancer too.

Jim: Kelly, you know what...

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Toby: Who brought in donuts?

Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!

Toby: Happy birthday!

Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.

Toby: I... guess I forgot.

Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.

Toby: Are you serious?

Michael: Mmm.

Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.

Kevin: Right.

Oscar: It's going to be okay.

Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.

Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.

Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?

Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure.

Michael: Okay. I'm so nervous.

Pam: I can sign for it.

Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.

Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Michael: Stop it. Stop! What is that?

Dwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.

Michael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.

Dwight: I probably care more than she does.

Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

Pam: When does he hear?

Jim: Sometime today.

Pam: Ohh... poor Kevin.

Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.

Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on back... order... Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!

Michael: What?

Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.

Michael: Ohhh, God.

Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

Michael: Ohhh, no.

Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!

Oscar: ...I'll do it.

Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.

Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!

Pam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?

Jim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...

Dwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.

Michael: Thank you.

Dwight: One. Two. Three!

Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.

Dwight: Oscar...

Oscar: It wasn't me.

Dwight: an eight foot sub.

Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.

Dwight: F. Alright, what's the damage?

Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.

Dwight: Thirty nine... sixty.

Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight: Here they come.

Michael: Get in here... everybody.

Dwight: Come and get it!

Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.

Oscar: What is this?

Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.

Michael: The best.

Stanley: These are all the same?

Michael: Yes.

Angela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna.

Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.

Angela: No.

Michael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.

Angela: No.

Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. And choke on it.

Michael: was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.

Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.

Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.

Pam: And his favorite lunch.

Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left.

Ryan: Someone ate three feet of that thing?

Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.

Angela: Oh. Thank you.

Dwight: Oh. I got it.

Angela: What are--- it's... the party planning committee.

Dwight: This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.

Angela: Fine.

Dwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?

Angela: Yes... but don't expect any cookie.

Dwight: But what if i'm hungry?

Jim: ...What?

Pam: You use fabric softener?

Jim: Yeah, you don't?

Pam: No, I do.

Jim: ...Okay.

Office Staff: Happy birthday dear Michael, Happy birthday... ...tooo youuuu.

Kevin: Hello? Hey.

Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.

Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. It was just Stacy.

Michael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.

Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish.

Michael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm...

Dwight: Yaoo yay!

Michael: ... I asked for trick candles.

Dwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em.

Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.

Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.

Michael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us.

Pam: We should probably head back.

Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.

Pam: You dare me? How old are you?

Jim: Just... quit stalling.

Pam: Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.

Jim: Such a dork.

Pam: Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...

Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.

Pam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jim: How old are you?

Pam: I hate you.

Toby: Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.

Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.

Kevin: Still scary.

Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.

Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.

Michael: And laughter... also.

Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.

Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.

Toby: I work here.

Michael: Nyeh, I work here. Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.

Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.

Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.

Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.

Jim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.

Dwight: Please, don't.

Jim: You... owe me.

Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.

Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?

Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross.

Michael: That should not be there.

Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down.

Michael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!

Kelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!

Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Jim: Think you can let go?

Pam: No.

Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Dwight: YEAH!

Pam: Who is that?

Jim: Is that Michael?

Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Pam: I got it.

Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.

Jim: ...It's something to think about.

Kevin: I can't relax about it, you know?

Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?

Kevin: No, not yet.

Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.

Kevin: Okay, Michael.

Michael: Alright.

Carol: Michael?

Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...

Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.

Michael: Oh, these... all your kids?

Carol: No just the front two.

Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?

Carol: Sure.

Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!

Michael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. Excuse me.

Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. It was negative.

Michael: Oh... God... God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here.

Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.

Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.

Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!

Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.

Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.

Dwight: Number one!!

Michael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.

Pam: Michael?

Michael: Yeah.

Pam: This is from all of us.

Michael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.

Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.

Dwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.

Dwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. Makes me rethink having skin at all.