Goodbye Michael

Goodbye Michael
Michael prepares to leave Dunder Mifflin, resulting in heartfelt goodbyes, a final prank on Dwight, and a touching farewell between Michael and Jim.

Michael: Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude.

Dwight: Michael?

Michael: Yes?

Dwight: I've got a treat for you!

Michael: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler.

Dwight: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Michael: Oh, these do not taste like oysters.

Dwight: That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Hah!

Michael: Sick freak! What is wrong with you?

Dwight: What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?!

Michael: I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? The job was not mine to give. Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.

Dwight: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?

Michael: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...

Dwight: Great idea.

Michael: order to feed the bears.

Dwight: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!

Michael: How do you mean?

Dwight: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? You're like a giant walking salami!

Michael: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?

Dwight: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!

Michael: Okay.

DeAngelo: You're not gonna take all these toys are you?

Michael: Hm?

DeAngelo: I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.

Michael: Well I have interviews.

DeAngelo: That's nice. How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. You okay?

Michael: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure.

DeAngelo: You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair.

Michael: Oh you don't, that's-

DeAngelo: I will be in the break room.

Michael: That sounds good. Thank you.

DeAngelo: Dead man walking.

Michael: Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck.

Gabe: Stay away from Erin!

Andy: Hey!

Gabe: I'm your boss!

Andy: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?

Gabe: No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies!

Andy: Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!

Gabe: No! You go away!

Andy: Hi Tuna.

Jim: So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?

Phyllis: How about cupcakes?

Angela: Please.

Pam: What's wrong with cupcakes?

Angela: Everything.

Michael: There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!

Pam: Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier.

Pam: We thought.

Angela: It's an experiment.

Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before.

Pam: So this is the dream team.

Meredith: Hey! What are you saying?!

Angela: The dream team... and Meredith.

Meredith: We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite.

Michael: Mmm!

Phyllis: Yeah that was a surprise...

Michael: You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.

Pam: Okay.

Michael: Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?

Pam: Should we get toppings?

Michael: What do you like Pam?

Pam: What?

Michael: What kind of toppings would you like?

Pam: Hot fudge?

Michael: Sounds good. Fudge it up!

Michael: I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. I still need something to drink out of though.

Michael: Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis.

Phyllis: Please Michael.

Michael: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. And she still is.

Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.

Phyllis: Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold.

Michael: Ahh.

Phyllis: It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool.

Michael: Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind.

Phyllis: It's cute.

Michael: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. May you never lose the fun loving quality in life.

Stanley: Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls.

Michael: Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts.

Andy: Wow.

Stanley: Yeah wow!

Andy: You know I'm the worst salesman here right?

Michael: But you're the best salesman, on the inside.

Phyllis: What does that even mean?

Michael: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.

Andy: I'm gonna lose 'em.

Michael: You're not gonna lose them.

Andy: I promise you that I will.

Michael: Just do your best! I have faith in you.

Stanley: Gimme those clients!

Andy: No.

Phyllis: Do you believe that?!

Dwight: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.

DeAngelo: I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I'm not saying I'm superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it.

Michael: Kevin, I have something for you.

Kevin: Oh!

Michael: You know who that is?

Kevin: Oh...

Michael: Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?

Kevin: Better...

Michael: Good, stand up. You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.

Kevin: But...

Michael: You will find love.

Kevin: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.

Michael: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-

Andy: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!

Michael: Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this.

Oscar: Thank you Michael. It's beautiful.

Michael: It looks like a It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!

Michael: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?

Angela: It was just you...

Michael: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator.

Oscar: State Senator.

Michael: Mmhmm, bravo!

Oscar: Brava!

Angela: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these.

Michael: Sure!

Angela: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading.

Michael: Who's that? Who's that guy?

Angela: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.

Michael: I guess this could be the one, huh?

Angela: Yeah.

Andy: Hey.

DeAngelo: Hey!

Andy: I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.

DeAngelo: Let's rip it up homes.

Gabe: Walk away bitch.

Oscar: Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?

Michael: My last pay check?

Oscar: You have an address yet in Colorado?

Michael: No.

Oscar: What town do Holly's parents live in?

Michael: I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?

Kevin: Sounds beautiful!

Pam: You should do more stuff like that.

Kevin: I'm going to!

Jim: Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us.

Michael: Nah, I'm almost done.

Jim: You sure?

Michael: Yeah.

Pam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.

Kevin: Finally! That old shredder sucked.

Pam: It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking.

Kevin: Yeah, it won't shred magazines.

Pam: It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin.

Kevin: I know...

Jim: Did you break the shredder Kevin?

Kevin: No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. Just get one that'll shred magazines.

Pam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.

Michael: I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come.

Holly: Hello there!

Michael: Hi. What is the name of our town?

Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?

Michael: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice.

Holly: Oh you mean this?

Michael: Yes. Yes my hero!

Holly: I'll pay the rent! Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom!

Michael: Ohh, I miss you.

Holly: Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim.

Michael: Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you.

Holly: I love you too.

Michael: Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. And I have said goodbye to half of them.

Toby: Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.

Michael: Okay.

Toby: Okay.

Michael: Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.

Kelly: What?!

Michael: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?

Kelly: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.

Michael: She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.

Ryan: Wow.

Michael: Yeah.

Ryan: This is... totally unnecessary.

Michael: You're not prone to seizures?

Ryan: No.

Pam: So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?

Meredith: Erotic.

Angela: See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house.

Phyllis: Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes.

Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.

Angela: Good God...

Meredith: They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything!

Pam: I don't, I don't think we sh-

Meredith: I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.

Pam: Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.

Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one.

Pam: You know what, I think we should get some other input.

Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.

Phyllis: Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said.

Angela: No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker.

Michael: Um, Pam.

Pam: Oh, hey Michael! I'm just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I'll see you later.

Michael: Okay...

Erin: Gabe!

Gabe: I need to talk to you!

Erin: You can't be in here. This is a lady's room!

Gabe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes.

Erin: Hey Creed.

Creed: Not cool man.

Erin: I really think you should leave.

Gabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.

Erin: Can we talk about this later, I have to go.

Gabe: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one.

Erin: Gabe!

Gabe: Okay...

Toby: Here's the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way.

Rory: I can bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him.

Toby: Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But-

Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves.

Toby: Well, no. He hates jams.

Michael: Darryl!

Darryl: Hey.

Michael: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you.

Darryl: That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum.

Michael: Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer.

Darryl: No. Can't let you do that Mike.

Michael: No problem. Worth a try.

Michael: Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving.

Warehouse Guy: No.

Michael: Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip.

DeAngelo: okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? Hmm?

Andy: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.

DeAngelo: That's stupid.

Andy: What do I know?

DeAngelo: What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?

Andy: Yeah.

DeAngelo: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?

Andy: Yeah!

DeAngelo: 'Cause if you do now's the time.

Andy: Alright.

DeAngelo: Not while I'm driving.

Michael: Catch you guys- Catch you guys on the filippity flip. Flippity flip! Flippity flip! Really? Okay, see ya guys!

DeAngelo: You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?

Andy: No. I don't.

DeAngelo: I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.

Andy: Awwhh, wow.

DeAngelo: Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! Yeah! Again.

Andy: Oh, okay...

DeAngelo: Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! You hear me?! You feel that energy?

Andy: Mmhmmm.

Deangelo: Wooo! Yeah! Okay, again.

Erin: I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else.

Michael: Kevin?

Erin: Andy.

Michael: Ahhhh...

Erin: I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose.

Michael: Maybe neither.

Erin: I'm not attracted to Kevin.

Michael: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime.

Erin: Extension 147.

Michael: N-

Erin: I know.

Michael: Okay.

Phyllis: You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?

Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?

Phyllis: No. I'm on a sale!

Michael: Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind.

Phyllis: Okay...

Michael: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow.

Dwight: Yes.

Michael: So I wanted to give you that. It's a letter of recommendation.

Dwight: This is gonna be good. To whom it may concern. Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. Ohhh, yeah.

DeAngelo: I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, Andy's not your guy. You ever play Russian Roulette? Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year.

Jim: Ahh, what happened to you?

Michael: You should see the other guy.

Michael: Jim where is Pam?

Jim: Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders.

Michael: But it is already three o'clock!

Michael: Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay.

Michael: Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.

Michael: And you, why are you still here.

Gabe: I'm either going to quit today, or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed.

Michael: No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite.

DeAngelo: That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.

Andy: Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car.

DeAngelo: Okay whatever.

Andy: Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.

Client: Keep talking.

DeAngelo: Yes. Okay, alright. No, well thank you! Alright, take care. You'll never guess, we did it!

Andy: Hey! Good job boss!

DeAngelo: We did it!

Michael: Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this!

Stanley: Yes, what is this about?

Michael: What is this meeting about?

Stanley: Mmhmmm.

Michael: Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four.

Phyllis: They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-

Michael: Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!

Stanley: Is that it?

Michael: Umm, hmm?

Stanley: Is that it?

Michael: Ummm... Hm... No. No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!

Jim: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Michael: Sure. Be right out!

Jim: So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.

Michael: Ohh...

Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?

Michael: Okay...

Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right?

Michael: Maybe.

Jim: Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good.

Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?

Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch.

Michael: T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. You started with this company, as a fine young man...

Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.

Michael: Oh, okay.

Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.

Michael: Oh shoot! That's my cab.

Jim: Alright.

Michael: Alright.

Jim: Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but...

Michael: I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?

Jim: I will see you, tomorrow at lunch.

Michael: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.

Jim: You got it.

Michael: Okay... Phyllis.

Phyllis: Oh no, they're still not done.

Michael: No no no, let me see. Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em.

Creed: See ya tomorrow boss!

Michael: Later guys.

Michael: Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

Michael: Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. That's what she said!

Pam: No he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award's member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

DeAngelo: Well if he's not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. I for one love the corners. Why'd I just do that? It's not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. What am I doing? Come on DeAngelo!

Dwight: Uh oh...