Survivor Man

Survivor Man
Michael tries to prove his survival skills by taking the employees on a wilderness retreat, resulting in chaos, a hilarious misunderstanding about food, and Jim's heartfelt attempt to connect with Pam.

Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.

Meredith: I love camping. Anything can happen.

Toby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat.

Michael: Morning.

Toby: Michael.

Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Pam: Did you sleep in cabins?

Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.

Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.

Phyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.

Pam: Who went?

Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores."

Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience

Michael: Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.

Toby: Michael wasn't invited.

Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? Not real.

Jim: Got it.

Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?

Jim: Absolutely, yes.

Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.

Michael: Really?

Jim: Yeah?

Michael: Oh, you wanna go today?

Jim: And I am always busy.

Jim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.

Michael: How often can you actually donate blood?

Jim: Is there a limit?

Michael: Your body only has a certain amount.

Jim: Well, is that it? Or?

Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.

Jim: How so?

Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores?

Jim: What's that?

Michael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---

Jim: Right.

Michael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.

Jim: Not gonna change.

Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.

Jim: I thought we had that looked at.

Michael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.

Michael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.

Michael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.

Dwight: I'm on it.

Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. Hey, what...

Dwight: Let's see if any of these will work.

Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight.. Dwight.

Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."

Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.

Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going?

Michael: No.

Pam: Great.

Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.

Pam: Oh.

Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.

Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?

Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.

Jim: OK, great.

Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.

Jim: Yup.

Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.

Jim: That'd be great.

Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.

Michael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.

Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.

Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.

Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead.

Michael: Well...

Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.

Michael: You...

Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.

Michael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. OK.

Dwight: What are you doing?

Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- Ow! What are you doing?

Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious.

Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. Stop it, stop it! Stop it.

Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not?

Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?

Angela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.

Jim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?

Angela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?

Jim: I do remember, yeah.

Angela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...

Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?

Angela: What?

Jim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.

Michael: Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.

Jim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

Michael: Happy Birthday!

Kelly: Ahhh!!

Michael: Happy Birthday!

Oscar: Ahhh!

Michael: Happy Birthday!

Phyllis: Oh!

Jim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Jim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.

Angela: I don't like it.

Pam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?

Jim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?

Pam: Do you think it's a good idea?

Jim: No... I think it's a great idea.

Pam: Hmm.

Dwight: We're here.

Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.

Dwight: Here we go. Just the two of us

Dwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?

Dwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.

Jim: You know, try sending them another invoice.

Oscar: Ok.

Jim: Alright. Oh, did you see my memo by the way?

Oscar: "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool.

Jim: Right? I was just thinking...

Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.

Jim: Right! Exactly. Knew I could count on you.

Dwight: Good a spot as any.

Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --

Dwight: I'm just --

Michael: Stop.

Dwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. Behold.

Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.

Dwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.

Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK.

Dwight: Good luck, Michael.

Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight.

Meredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?

Jim: What's that?

Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake.

Jim: Oh, sure.

Meredith: Yes!

Jim: OK.

Pam: Wow! That was easy.

Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess.

Creed: Jim.

Creed: I hate devils food.

Jim: Well I think Meredith was just --

Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.

Jim: Everybody's birthday.

Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.

Jim: What do you want?

Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.

Jim: You want a birthday pie?

Creed: I want a nice cobbler.

Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.

Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.

Jim: It will be Angela.

Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Michael: Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...

Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Michael: There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts.

Michael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.

Michael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material This could be used for all sorts of things.

Michael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Andy: Tuna.

Jim: Andy.

Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.

Jim: Not your birthday.

Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.

Jim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.

Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.

Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.

Andy: Loud and clear.

Jim: Alright.

Andy: Pizza rolls.

Jim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here to do some work. So I will be in here.

Andy: Mushroom caps.

Michael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.

Dwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. I hope he finds it. Lunch.

Michael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.

Dwight: About two more minutes.

Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.

Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?

Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.

Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple?

Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?

Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.

Oscar: Probably went to his head.

Creed: Yeah.

Oscar: Hey, Jim.

Jim: Hey guys, what're we talking about?

Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.

Michael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.

Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... on.

Toby: Hey Jim.

Jim: Toby.

Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.

Jim: Oh, thanks man.

Toby: Yeah...

Jim: Is there anything --

Toby: My birthday was two months ago.

Jim: Oh, OK.

Toby: There was no party.

Jim: What?

Toby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.

Jim: I remember that.

Toby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.

Jim: Seriously?

Toby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.

Jim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.

Jim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?

Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.

Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms.

Jim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to... Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.

Pam: Conference room?

Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.

Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'

Kevin: Oh, I'll take 'em.

Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.

Phyllis: Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.

Jim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Michael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well.

Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out.

Everybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you.

Michael: Yeah! Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.

Michael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. I can also make it the sky.

Michael: Hey, buddy.

Jim: Hey.

Michael: What up?

Jim: Sure glad you're back.

Michael: You are relieved.

Jim: You have no idea.

Michael: So what did I miss?

Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.

Michael: Oh.

Jim: So, terrible idea.

Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.

Jim: You did do it?

Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.

Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.

Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said.

Jim: That's what who said?

Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.

Jim: That's what she said.

Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Michael: Come in!

Pam: Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?

Michael: Pam, are you my friend?

Pam: Oh, no.

Michael: We have been friends forever, right?

Pam: Yes, I have been working with you forever.

Michael: Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.

Pam: I don't think so.

Pam: Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation.

Michael: Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?

Pam: I do.

Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?

Pam: No.

Michael: Thank you for your honesty.

Pam: You're welcome. Open or closed?

Michael: Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?

Pam: No.

Michael: Can you send Dwight in here?

Pam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office.

Dwight: You wanted to see me?

Michael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?

Dwight: I'm on it.

Pam: Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.

Jim: How much time do I have?

Dwight: Jim, Michael's office.

Pam: Couple minutes, give or take.

Dwight: Now, Jim!

Dwight: And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage.

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.

Michael: All right, Dexter, just give me the knife.

Dwight: Don't you want a sheath for that?

Michael: No, just get me a case. All right.

Dwight: Anything else? Flint...

Michael: MmMmm. All I need...

Dwight: Parka...

Michael: No, Dwight!

Dwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp...

Michael: I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.

Dwight: Mmmnnnnmmm...

Michael: What is this called again?