New Leads

Michael: Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. Do you know who that is?

Jim: No.

Michael: Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...

Jim: Is he you?

Michael: I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.

Jim: Where did you take that?

Michael: In my condo complex.

Jim: Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.

Michael: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.

Jim: Sure. That they should do one.

Michael: Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?

Jim: Who's that?

Michael: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.

Jim: John Dillinger.

Michael: No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Jim: Captain Crunch.

Michael: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?

Jim: At the Yankees game. Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.

Jim: I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...

Michael: I know, I know.

Jim: ...in your condo complex.

Michael: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.

Jim: M. Night Shulman?

Michael: First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -

Stanley: When are we getting to sales topics?

Dwight: Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?

Michael: Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. No, no, meeting's not over.

Phyllis: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?

Michael: No sales topic per se.

Andy: Well then no Andy Bernard per se.

Michael: Dwight?

Dwight: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.

Michael: I would like your undivided attention, please.

Dwight: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Michael: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.

Dwight: Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: When I was asking about the leads.

Michael: M-hmm.

Dwight: ... is there any news on the leads?

Michael: Is that all you have to say to me?

Dwight: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! Alright, Dwight out!

Dwight: Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?

Angela: Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.

Phyllis: Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.

Michael: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque.

Jim: Oh, sorry, wait one second.

Michael: Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.

Jim: This is actually a big potential sale, so...

Michael: You writing your memoirs over there?

Jim: You writing your name over there?

Michael: Well, it's a pretty big check.

Jim: That's good. You know, with the kid.

Michael: Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.

Jim: Alright, here we go. Michael...

Michael: I'm just saying, that -

Jim: Michael - Great.

Andy: Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... I'm making a sale. Sales.

Darryl: There's other pencil's in this office.

Andy: Give me that

Michael: Honey and jelly sandwich time.

Darryl: Michael.

Michael: Oh, you got to be kidding me. Look at that. That's -

Darryl: I know who did that.

Michael: You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?

Darryl: Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.

Michael: The sales department smashed my sandwich.

Darryl: Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.

Michael: You don't get it.

Darryl: You need to get back on top.

Michael: That's what she said.

Darryl: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah.

Erin: Something came for you, Michael.

Michael: Thank you very much.

Jim: What'd you get?

Michael: Ah, just the stupid leads.

Jim: Alright!

Stanley: About time.

Andy: Me likey!

Phyllis: Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.

Michael: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you.

Stanley: We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!

Gabe: Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.

Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.

Gabe: Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -

Michael: They act like I have no power.

Gabe: But you do. You are in charge -

Michael: Thank you.

Gabe: - of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael.

Michael: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.

Gabe: Okay, good.

Michael: Exactly that.

Gabe: Good.

Michael: Exactly that.

Gabe: Why do you keep repeating -

Michael: Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed!

Phyllis: What are you -

Michael: - and to King Meredith!

Stanley: They aren't salespeople!

Michael: And to King Angela! Because today we are all kings. And queens.

Phyllis: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Michael: I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis.

Jim: Hey.

Michael: Hey.

Jim: So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?

Michael: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?

Michael: Okay.

Jim: Hey, alright.

Michael: Alright.

Jim: Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?

Michael: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?

Jim: I don't think you understand -

Michael: I do understand it.

Jim: This one's a map.

Michael: Or is it?

Angela: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.

Phyllis: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?

Angela: I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work

Phyllis: What are these for?

Angela: It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.

Kelly: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -

Ryan: It's my -

Stanley: The Kardashians is a good show.

Ryan: No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?

Kelly: It's about a family. A real-life family.

Ryan: No, Stanley, do you -

Pam: Hey baby, what's up?

Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?

Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.

Jim: Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.

Jim: Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies - that's just unfair.

Jim: How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.'

Pam: He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.

Jim: I love you.

Michael: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing Some people shouldn't be in this business.

Andy: Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.

Erin: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. I hid the leads.

Andy: Where?

Erin: Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.

Andy: Are you...

Erin: Lower.

Andy: Are you sure?

Erin: Lower

Dwight: What are you doing, idiot?

Jim: Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.

Dwight: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'

Jim: Lincoln.

Dwight: The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.

Jim: It involves you too.

Dwight: The leads are in?

Dwight: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.

Michael: Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'.

Dwight: Kevin! Damnit Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -

Kevin: You are never going to find them.

Dwight: Really.

Kevin: I'm going to enjoy this.

Dwight: Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?

Kevin: I'm still enjoying it.

Dwight: Where are they?

Kevin: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.

Dwight: Turn the trash It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.

Meredith: Okey-dokey.

Kevin: No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.

Meredith: It's coming off anyway.

Dwight: Clean sack.

Kevin: What -

Erin: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.

Toby: If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.

Dwight: It's empty!

Michael: Wait. What day is today?

Kevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.

Michael: Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey wait, wait!

Michael: Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -

Phyllis: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?

Michael: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump."

Stanley: Not your staff, Michael. You.

Michael: Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -

Toby: Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?

Michael: Really?

Angela: I'm not going. You did this, not us.

Michael: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit Complicit. You were all successories!

Darryl: That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.

Michael: You can.

Darryl: I can't. You know that.

Michael: Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.

Dwight: I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up.

Dwight: This place has gone to hell.

Michael: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.

Dwight: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.

Michael: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.

Kelly: You're adorable. You need to go for it. I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -

Jim: Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.

Kelly: Why?

Jim: Just all the - drama.

Kelly: What drama?

Jim: Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?

Kelly: So unnecessary.

Jim: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.

Kelly: I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?

Jim: I have new baby pictures.

Kelly: Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.

Jim: She's wearing a onesie

Stanley: If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.

Jim: Didn't we kind of start it?

Phyllis: I think you're remembering that wrong?

Andy: Yeah.

Phyllis: I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.

Jim: Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?

Andy: All those who agree, say aye All those opposed -

Jim: I don't think we need opposed.

Michael: You've changed, man.

Dwight: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?

Michael: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.

Dwight: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.

Michael: No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.

Dwight: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -

Michael: Assistant to the managed him -

Dwight: Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere.

Michael: You think you would have done better without me? Really?

Dwight: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.

Michael: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -

Dwight: Kung-fu movies!

Michael: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -

Dwight: Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars.

Michael: That's my wife you're talking about, man.

Dwight: Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? You watch it!

Michael: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.

Dwight: Don't do it

Michael: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. No, time out, time out. Time in!

Dwight: No!

Michael: Don't even think about that

Dwight: Stop it, get out! That's my spool.

Phyllis: What's the least we can do to make this okay?

Jim: I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff.

Andy: And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too.

Phyllis: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.

Stanley: That is a dangerous precedent.

Jim: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.

Phyllis: Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.

Jim: Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.

Phyllis: Okay, fine. Cash it is.

Andy: Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches".

Michael: Okay, Dwight. Here we go oh god.

Dwight: Oh

Michael: We're never going to find those leads, are we?

Dwight: Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.

Phyllis: So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -

Jim: No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay Hey everybody!

Meredith: Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.

Jim: No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.

Andy: Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.

Phyllis: Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So...

Oscar: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.

Kevin: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.

Angela: Do you have any pastries without fruit?

Jim: Yes! We do. Eclairs.

Stanley: Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -

Jim: - two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.

Phyllis: Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.

Stanley: This is - nice! All of us back together.

Michael: This Why would somebody throw that out?

Dwight: Hey You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?

Michael: Yeah, she does - she loves purple. Does it stink?

Dwight: Yeah

Michael: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:

Dwight: Hope - grows.

Michael: In the dump.

Dwight: Woo hoo!

Stanley: Good news that you found our leads?

Michael: No! Better!

Dwight: We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room.

Phyllis: Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat.

Dwight: Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only

Andy: It's freezing out here.

Erin: Go on. I have warm blood.

Andy: Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met.